if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
