May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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