Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
