does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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