I wish my penis had an off switch
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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