I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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