I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
