oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
