12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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