Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
