we have pet lesbian snakes
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
