If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
