I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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