Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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