Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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