She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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