Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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