dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
