I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
