Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
