when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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