just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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