I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
