I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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