When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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