Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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