wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
