i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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