We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
