marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
