i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
