if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So many bounce houses so little time
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
