I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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