i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
