I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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