I accidentally had phone sex last night
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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