I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
