I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
