Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
