I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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