I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
