i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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