She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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