New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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