Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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