the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
