Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
