So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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