I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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