She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We left an ass print on the piano.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
