I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
