So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
