dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
