just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
