I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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