bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
