woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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