There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
