He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
